Bacon Theology

It is my belief that anything and everything would be improved with the addition of bacon.

Think about it for a moment. What could not be made better with the addition of bacon? Clearly there are numerous places where bacon has, in my American society, become wonderfully common. It has escaped its prison as a breakfast-time addition to pancakes, waffles, and french toast. It is now common to have bacon added to hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and salads.

I hold this opinion sufficiently strongly and with sufficient breadth to consider it a matter of faith. I cannot possibly spend all my time testing this theory; neither do I particularly want to; nor would I want to if given the opportunity. I am satisfied by my faith that bacon would improve anything and everything.

There are certainly food items that challenge this belief. Lemonade in particular is tricky to fathom as being improved by bacon. The joy of my faith is that I need not test it. I must only believe it would be.

It is not just food that I believe would be improved by bacon. Abstract concepts such as reduction of poverty and eliminating or treating diseases with bacon are also a part of my belief. I believe that my father, having lain in a hospital bed while dying of cancer, would have appreciated bacon. I recall with fondnes that he appreciated fine wine as well, and possibly moreso than bacon, but that is not antithetical to my belief. I believe that he would have felt his situation had improved had he had bacon.

World conflict, I believe, would be improved by bacon. The power of bacon is compelling. Despite their religions believing that porcine products are filthy, I believe that if Jews and Muslims, Israelis and Palestinians, could come together and share rashers of bacon, then each of their lives would be improved.

I was asked yesterday about Canadian bacon. I had not thought about this issue. I am reminded of what a Canadian comedian said of the subject: "We don't call it that up north. We call it ham." The logical result is that while it may have the word "bacon" in its name, it is in fact not actual bacon. Therefore it is not covered by my faith. Certainly things could be improved with it, but not with the same breadth or to the same degree as bacon.

These are the particular bacons I recommend: